Hello ! Bonjour ! I’m currently learning French so hence the greeting. Hope you are all having a good day. Writing these blog posts are such an outlet for me. I struggle to express my deepest feelings to people as I fear rejection and lack of understanding, so writing on here is brilliant.
From as long as I can remember, I’ve always had issues around confidence and anxiety. I remember now even as a child in primary school, I was always scared to do things in fear of something bad happening to me. Whether it would be going underwater in my swimming lessons or doing a handstand. I was always scared inside. Which on reflection I think is strange for a child so young, as i thought kids were more supposed to be more fearless. I grew up with this mindset of what other people thought of me was very important and that I should do things to please others.
I’m not entirely sure why I’ve felt like this. Maybe it was things said to me as a child or behavior I saw. But what I do know is that as an adult, it has pretty much messed me up. Worrying about what others think of you or trying to meet their expectations will only ever put you in a pit of low self esteem. And especially if life goes in a way you didn’t exactly plan for, you feel as though you’ve failed in some way. As a child I was always told that I was very pretty, but in another breath I was told not to have a big head about it and therefore people around me would not build me up at all because they said ‘it would make me big headed’. But in fact the complete opposite has happened. I think almost nothing of myself. I cower when I’m complimented and absorb criticism like a sponge.
Whether it’s to do with my weight, hair , skin , personality, you name it and it’ll find a way in which I’m inadequate. And it had become so frequent that I didn’t even realise what I was doing and that it was a problem. It had become normal. It wasn’t until my anxiety levels sky rocketed and became so overwhelming that I was forced to try to turned my life around. Generalised Anxiety disorder for me was awful but I will go into more detail about it perhaps another time. But what the experience did teach me, is how important it is to love yourself, take care of yourself and seek support whether it be friends, family, or a doctor. Sometimes all three are needed.
I loved the self help books. But my issue was consistency. I would get all into it and then after a few days or weeks I would stop. I’m not entirely sure why. It’s like I would get despondent if I didn’t see an instant change. Or as someone hit the nail on the head recently, I thought subconsciously that I didn’t deserve to feel better and then I would sabotage my own efforts. After repeated attempts, constant little steps of progression, I now feel a lot better. I am not cured but I am able to live in a more relaxed way. I’ve become more independent and feel like I have more power. My mind still has a bit of a way to go before I can say I’m free of anxiety. That’s if anyone can even say that anyway.
Self care and more positive affirmations are in my list of desires for this year. Self care can be simple things like having more bubble baths or lighting some candles.These are not new years resolutions but a life change. I want my daughter to have a more confident and happy mommy.
I hope some of you who have gone through similar experiences can identify with this and please know that you are not alone.
See you on the next one.